Home Sweet Home

In a couple years, after I finish my Associate's degree, I plan on moving back to Lansing. Around the same time, Amanda will be graduating from high school and is planning to move back to Lansing as well, to attend MSU. So my Mom and I have been talking about how once Amanda and I leave, there isn't going to be a whole lot keeping the rest of the family in the Muskegon area. My Mom only has one really good friend in this area, we never see my Dad's family, and we miss all our friends from the Lansing area. Plus, once Amanda and I are gone, my Mom is stuck here, without a support system to help her out with Dad, Rion, and Kristina. So I think we have a 2 year plan (maybe 4 years). This involves the entire family moving back to Lansing and getting a somewhat new start. I'm still thinking about moving to Tennessee though...but it would be in about 5-6 years. I guess we'll see what happens.

The Soloist

I watched "The Soloist" tonight. It was a great movie about a very talented musician with some mentally disabilities...To those who read this, I hope you've seen it, so I don't spoil it at all. His name was Nathaniel and he has Schizophrenia. Watching this movie was a reminder of what my brother Rion goes through. Unlike Nathaniel though, Rion is on regular medication to help silent is inner voices. Its hard watching someone go through that. I know I'm hard on my brother because I think sometimes that he's manipulative, mean, and a whole lot of other things, but on the inside I know he can't help most of it. One thing that bugs me is that my Mom has to remind me all the time that he has a mental disability. I know...unless by some miracle he was cured of schizophrenia overnight...I STILL know he has a mental disability and I don't need to be reminded. I don't understand specifically what HE goes through, but I know what I go through as his sister.

Well enough about that...here is what's going on with me...

School is done for the semester and I'm signed up for 3 classes next semester. I'm just happy that Criminology is over with...that class was ridiculously boring. The highlight of the class was watching The Departed and watching Sybil. Both were good movies, but we had to right papers on both.

Work is slow...I only work every other weekend, so I don't work again until the 26th, but I'm glad to be making some money and glad that Double JJ is open. The every other weekend schedule won't be so bad starting in January because I'll have school to fill my weekdays. Its the next couple weeks I have to worry about...what am I going to do with my time?

Can you believe that a year ago today I was holding 1 of 17 puppies. More than likely it was Indiana, the one I fell in love with. Its sad to think about. We got rid of all the puppies. Its been an entire year and I haven't gotten much accomplished. I really miss them.



Having more issues with friends and being the only one that really cares. I need to get a new life with new friends. I dislike the snow and I'm glad I have a 4x4. I would've been stuck in my parking space if I didnt have my Jeep. I'm seriously considering moving out of state when I get my Bachelor's from MSU. It all depends on the job market and if I get a good offer in Michigan or another state...but there are about 45 states I WILL NOT move to. The states I would are Tennessee, Pennsylvania, Iowa, Illinois, and Virginia. Tennessee is in first place for real. Today (Monday Dec 14th) its supposed to be 62 degrees and its supposed to be above 50 all week in Nashville. Its perfect for me. Bonuses are: I would be within 6 hours of Graceland and I might meet one of my favorite country music stars.

Other than that everything is doing ok. I think that about raps it up.

Elvis Presley's Graceland

Well, I can't think of a whole lot that's new here...

My good friend Josh got married last month and isn't responding to my emails. I think he might be upset with me...at least, I'm a pessimist...so I always think of bad reasons why he isn't emailing me back. Who knows...it could have NOTHING to do with me...and I would still think I did something or said something wrong.

I'm trying to keep busy with school and work. Right now I'm only get about 5 hours a week at Double JJ...either on Saturday or Sunday. But I will be getting several hours Thanksgiving weekend. So if anyone needs a babysitter (or even just want someone to visit)during the week...except Wednesdays...I'm totally free. I was invited by BETA XI XI, from MCC, to join "International Honor Society" for keeping at least a 3.5 GPA. The problem is, it cost 70 dollars more than I can afford. So I guess this is the official "Press Release".

My Mom is having surgery hand the week of Thanksgiving. She is a cyst on her hand, as well as a Trigger finger, that are both causing her a lot of pain. My Dad is stocking up on fire wood (even though we don't have a fireplace), but we did just buy a wood stove for the garage, so I think we're all set. My brother is driving me insane...I swear, sometimes he brings out the 10 year old in me. Any one with a ten year old knows what I mean. Amanda is keeping busy with homework. She's currently taking Sociology, Chemistry, and some other classes intended for at least Junior year. I took Sociology Junior year and it wasn't too bad. Kristina was trying to do regular classes this school year, but had to go back into Study Skills.

Both Rion and Kristina were sick a couple weeks ago...my Mom thought they had H1N1. I'm just SO glad they are healthy again...for multiple reasons...1) They're (of course) not sick...2) Now they aren't taking over the ENTIRE living room...3) They aren't WHINING CONSTANTLY. They are back to their usual obnoxious, annoying selves...but I guess I would rather have that than whining. So, no surprise, I'm still spending most of my time in my room. I NEED A LIFE...or if not a life, at least somewhere to go so I'm not cooped up in my room.

We're back to being the Hanes' SPCA...I'll get back to what SPCA stands for (in regards to my crazy family). We have 10 cats...4 normal size, 1 kind of normal size, 1 hobbit, 2 midgets, 1 super midget, and 1 kitten...and every single one of them is CRAZY in there own special way. China is doing well, but getting up there age wise. She's 11 this year (77 in dog years), and just like any typical woman of age, she doesn't want to be reminded of it. And Trixie is a chubby little spoiled monster.

So I guess I didn't do too bad for not believing I had anything new to report. We'll see how long it takes me til next time.

Not a good day...

Today's not a good day...Its hard to believe that its been 3 years since I've seen my good friend, Rebekah. She got married in Mexico, October 22nd 2006, and the last day I saw her was October 23rd 2006. Right now, three years ago, I would be asleep in the back seat of my parents' car, on my way home from Chicago airport. I flew into Chicago from Mexico around 11:30pm. Only a few hours before that, I was hugging my best friend, for the last time. Right now, I should be spending my weekend in Mexico for my friend Josh's wedding. I would so rather be there then working. I miss them both so much. I miss the 800 Meatballs, my 2 best friends. One of the greatest things about them both is that, even though they live in Mexico, thousands of miles away, they are still my 2 best friends. Even Rebekah's husband, Cesar, who I only knew for a week, is one of my best friends. In 1 summer, I made 2 lifetime best friends, and in 1 week, I made several lifetime friends. I miss them all so much. So for the first time in a long time, at 1:45 in the morning, I cry for them. I'm not quite sure where these tears came from...I was able to keep myself fairly happy all day. But within seconds of laying down to go to sleep, I start to cry. Maybe part of it is because the song "Rain" by Breaking Benjamin came on, maybe its because my Mom mentioned that its been 3 years since I've seen Rebekah, or maybe its because I dropped a wedding present off for Josh's Mom to take down for me. Whatever it is that has left me in tears, depresses me. I haven't been this sad in a long time. So for now this is not a good day...maybe even not a good weekend.

It only took my 33 months to pay off my car and realize that I didn't like it. It sat too low to the ground, it was horrible to drive to work at Double JJ in the winter, and some other reasons I can't think of right now...So I sold it. Sad to say that out of the $13,000 I just finished paying on it, I was only able to get rid of it for $2000, but I sold it, so I won't complain. For the past year, I've wanted a Jeep. I tried trading in my car, didn't work, either time. So with the $2000 I made from my car, I bought a 1994 Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo, which I LOVE a lot more than the 2000 Chrysler Cirrus. So for now, I'm a pretty happy Jeep driver.

Not much has gone on since my last post but let's see what can think of...

A few weeks ago Michigan's Adventure ended for the season and I can't say that I'm disappointed. of course I do miss my friends and a couple of my Managers, but that's what makes the beginning (and I mean very beginning) of the season fun.

I'm still working weekends at Double JJ and I'm glad to say I'm not working in the Waterpark...retail is SO much better.

A couple weeks ago, Amanda decided that she was going to get a puppy with her "end of season" bonus from Michigan's Adventure...of course my parents said no, but that didn't stop Amanda from showing us a picture of this beautiful little Basset hound puppy. For our family, that was like sealing the deal. A few days later we were driving home from Grand Rapids, watching Trixie enjoy the ride of her life...



She is a beautiful little girl from Kentucky, where you may be surprised to hear that some shelters have a 90% kill rate, its horrible. But thanks to a lady in GR, Trixie was rescued with her siblings.



We're lucky because she's a pretty good dog and really smart too. She's made herself at home and even helps around the house.



Mom loves it when she helps do the dishes.



So Amanda got what she wanted. Now I just have to figure out how I got stuck with the Vet bills.

Other than that, there really isn't anything else that's new. Maybe next time.

Summer...glad it's over.

Well, its been a pretty crazy, work filled, tiring, but fun summer, and I'm glad its over. It was nice to finally be able to go on some vacations, I think this is the first year in a long time that I've had a good vacation. Mackinac was wondeful, beautiful, amazing...(my list could go on). Cedar Point was kind of fun, but chaotic...my Mom wonders where the time went (she used to be able to ride rollercoasters and have a lot of fun)...I want to know if I missed my time...not quite sure it ever happened. Nauvoo & Iowa were fantastic...I miss my family already and can't wait to go again, I forgot how fun it was to just go and spend time with family...thanks again Aunt Karen, Uncle Kevin, and Jenna. My birthday was great, it was so nice going out with friends to celebrate. The Doty Family reunion was fun, as usual, but hopefully next year we can camp. And then, just like that my summer was over. I spent all of August working almost nonstop between Michigan's Adventure and Double JJ. I worked 26 out of 31 days, most of them being 10am to at least 9pm, between the two. Luckily I was able to get in a few fun days. I went to Michigan's Adventure one morning, just to ride Ripcord and Thunderhawk. I LOVE RIPCORD!!! It was so fun riding with my friends Marci and Emily, I was lucky enough to meet them at work this summer. Then I went to Michigan's Adventure again, with my Mom, sisters, and some of my really good friends. We had a lot of fun. I rode Ripcord again, this time with Amanda and my friend Kelly, that would make it my forth time riding. Sadly my fun ended there, at least for August. I worked the next 12 days straight. Seven of those days were the beginning of September, thank goodness I finally got a day off this last Tuesday, and I've been fortunate enough to have the last three days off, with the exception of going to school Wednesday night. I'm also proud to announce, that as soon as the payment clears, I HAVE PAID OFF MY CAR!!! That takes one HUGE weight off my shoulders. So even though I had a pretty great summer, I'm glad its come to an end. Now I can sit back and relax a little.

My life in the fast lane...

My life has been crazy busy for the last month...

I finished my Summer Semester with an A in Police Administration.

My family attended the annual Doty Family Reunion and it was wonderful to see my grandparents, Aunts & Uncles, cousins, second cousins, etc, and we missed those who couldn't join us this year. It was great to see everyone and its always sad that the reunion doesn't last longer. It was awesome when a bunch of us would camp for a few days and stay up late around the campfire. One year we scared off the Camp's Rangers by having everyone sit in camp chairs by the path pretending to be a bus. Another year a few of us sat around adding new verses to the diarrhea song. Hopefully next year we'll get together and camp again.

Starting August 2nd, all my days off ended (almost completely). Since then I've been working at both Michigan's Adventure and Double JJ, and I've only caught 2 complete days off since the 2nd. But no worries, today's day off was well spent...I slept in until 12:30, sat on my butt, relaxed, and watched TV the rest of the day.

But I'm still exhausted, in pain, and ready for August to be over.

Well, its been a busy week. My birthday was good...I went out with friends Friday and had a lot of fun. I've been keeping busy with work and school. This weather, its killing me. I love thunderstorms and cooler temperatures, but I don't like the muscle pain and fatigue I get when its like this. As a matter of fact its pouring right now and hear thunder rolling, its so peaceful for me, but my back, knees, and hands hurt. In 2 days, it will be 7 years since my Uncle Ed died right off Apple Avenue. Other than that, not much is going on and I'm doing well. Ok, I have to get to class now.

21

So I turned 21 yesterday. It was a nice simple birthday. Mom cooked my favorite dinner, Rion came over (he gave me 2 of my favorite things: mountain dew voltage and nerd ropes) and he bought my cake, we hung out at the house, and watched one of my favorite shows (Las Vegas). It was nice. Towards the end of the evening though, as Amanda got more and more tired, she became more and more upset. Teddy's death has hit her the hardest. Out of everyone in our family, Teddy loved Amanda the most. He would sleep with her at night, he would sit with her on the couch (and she didn't even need to have food), and he would give her hugs. Now that he's gone, Amanda doesn't feel like any of the other cats love her and that he was the only one. She wants him back, alive, and loving her. Its too bad that she feels this way, we only have 10 other cats, but that doesn't change almost 13 years of love from 1 cat. Hopefully she'll find comfort in another cat soon.

Iowa-Nauvoo Trip

So the rest of our Iowa-Nauvoo Family trip went well. Friday, Aunt Karen took Mom & I to get massages and Amanda to get a manicure. It was really nice of her to do for us and I definitely enjoyed my massage. After that we headed to Grandma & Grandpa's to pick up Kristina and visit for a few minutes. Aunt Karen, Uncle Kevin, and my family went out to dinner and then headed back to the house. It was nice spending the rest of the evening relaxing, watching movies, and playing a quick game (maybe not...it took forever)of Phase 10. Saturday most of us slept in before being treated to a wonderful breakfast by Uncle Kevin. We had a nice little visit with Jordan and Cindy, before heading back to Nauvoo to check out some stuff we missed. We started by visiting the graves of Joseph, Hyrum, and Emma. There was such a peaceful feeling there, one that is hard for me to describe. We went to Joseph's Red Brick Store, as well as the Brick Yard, the Scovil Bakery, and the Family Living Center. One of my favorite homes we visited was Browning's Gunsmith Shop and Home. I loved all the cool guns...my favorite was the 1844 Colt Revolver (even though the tour guide thought all of us women would like the Derringers). We stopped at the temple so I could take pictures of it, along with the Memorial Statue for Joseph & Hyrum. After that we headed down so I could take pictures at the Women's Garden by the Visiting Center. It was really nice to enjoy a few quiet moments with just Uncle Kevin and Aunt Karen. There weren't any other moments I got to share with them like that one. Finally we headed back to home for the day to watch a movie and play another game. Then Sunday, my family headed back to Michigan. As much as I enjoyed the trip to Iowa and Nauvoo, I'm glad to be home again.

Vacation so far...

Yesterday my parents, sisters, & I came down to Iowa to visit and drop Kristina off at Grandma & Grandpa's house, as well as to visit my Mom's sisters Karen & Delmarae. So yesterday after arriving, we spent a nice evening, dinner, bonfire, and spending the night at Aunt Karen's. Then today we headed to Carthage Jail and Nauvoo. We enjoyed the spirit and feeling of Carthage Jail and Dairy Queen for lunch (I had to have a butterfinger blizzard). After that we headed to Nauvoo to attend some shows and dinner at Aunt Delmarae's. "High Hopes & Riverboats" was fun, dinner was great, and "Sunset by the Mississippi" was entertaining. I must say though, that the Nauvoo Pageant was absolutely wonderful. The spirit I felt while watching it was great. I recommend all three, but I definitely recommend the Nauvoo Pageant. Now I'm sitting back at Aunt Karen's house about to head to bed, ready to rest up for tomorrow's adventure. Beautiful pictures will be coming soon, but here's a preview...

Teddy Bear

Our cat Tiger died just over a month ago. A few days later his biological brother Teddy, realized what had happened, and gave up on life. He stopped eating and drinking, he would just lie around the house, sad and lonely. It went on that way for a week or so, and he started getting a little happier, he was talking and begging for food again, but it was short lived. Last Thursday morning, Teddy finally stopped fighting and passed on. I am happy that he is with his brother again. Tiger was the only cat Teddy loved, and it showed the day Teddy gave up on life. Both of them will be missed. Love you boys.

I know I haven't been keeping up but here's what has happened in the last couple weeks...

I started my Summer Semester at MCC taking Police Administration at the end of June, I had my wisdom teeth out last Wednesday, and we're heading to Iowa this Wednesday to visit my Aunts and Grandparents, Kristina will be staying down there for a few weeks.

Hopefully more exiting stuff will come soon.

Not much to report...

I'm in counseling for anxiety and depression issues I'm having, our cat Tiger died (after 14 years of life, 12 of which were spent with us), his biological brother Teddy (who's been with Tiger their entire lives) is now kind of depressed and losing weight, the three puppies are 6 months old today (can't believe its been that long), I'm working at MA and kind of enjoying it, I haven't hung out with any friends since April (except for a couple hours at a friends bonfire), I went to Mackinac and loved it (considering living there), and I also went to Cedar Point. That's about it...just kind of lonely, I spend a lot of time alone in my bedroom (watching TV or playing on my computer).

Tiger

Well, after almost 13 long years of being part of our family, our cat Tiger passed away Friday morning. We will definitely miss him.










R.I.P. Tiger, we love you.

I started another blog but this time it isn't me complaining. Instead every week I'm going to post a poem that I have written in the past. The website is: www.cats-cradle-poetry.blogspot.com. I hope you enjoy.

What a week...

This week was crazy...it started with cleaning the hallways at my Mom's work and it ended with me completely exhausted, but I won't leave it at that...I'll explain all the gory details...

So Monday I cleaned the hallways at the apartment complex my Mom manages and of course that was "loads of fun". Wednesday I went the Chiropractor then started counseling. Even though I can vent on here, it isn't enough. I need someone to talk to face to face, someone to tell how I feel, and although I do have friends I can call, not everybody wants to hear my problems, especially when its just a repeat of past problems. One appointment and I've been told I have Mild Anxiety and Mild Depression, neither one am I really surprised about. So we'll see how that goes and hopefully I can get better.

Wednesday night I packed up some much needed stuff, then finished up some stuff on the computer...which lead to lighting hitting my house and me getting electrocuted (maybe seriously shocked is a better explanation). Here's how it happened...I was stupidly using my computer during a thunderstorm, lightning struck my house, and a shock went through my computer mouse, into my hand. I can remember all of a sudden feeling a shock in my hand, my mouse flying up in the air, and my hand letting go. There was this shocking pain in my hand along with a really strong, weird tingling in my hand, arm, and leg. It seriously scared me half to death. My arm and hand were tingling for a couple hours after it happened, and I was too stunned to go to bed right away.

Thursday my Mom and I got up early, packed our suitcases in our friend's car, and headed out for our much needed trip to Mackinac Island (pictures will be added soon). We got to Mackinac City about 2:00 and crossed the Mackinac Bridge (just to cross it), then crossed it again before getting on a ferry to the Island. We got to the Island, dragged our stuff to the hotel, checked in, and headed to our rooms. To our surprise, our friend's room wasn't clean, and next thing my Mom & I know, we're upgraded to a larger room with a view of main street and the lake. Mom & I laid down for a little bit before starting our fun filled walk around the Island. That first night we walked like 3-4 miles, around the lake, under Arch Rock, up a bunch of stairs, above Arch Rock, through the woods, past beautiful old houses, etc. We had dinner at the Island House, where there were a million obnoxious kids, before heading to bed for the night.

Friday we got up early again, ate breakfast (oh and if you ever stay on Mackinac Island, The Murray Hotel has wonderful customer service and one of the best continental breakfasts I've ever had), did some shopping, then picked up Kristina at the ferry dock for her day trip to the Island. That day we walked probably another 6 miles around the Island. We walked along the lake shore (where I took some beautiful pictures), past the Grand Hotel, past the Governor's Mansion, through the woods, past Skull Cave, cemeteries, more beautiful houses, etc. After dropping Kristina off at the ferry dock after lunch, Mom & I laid down for a little while before shopping and dinner. We had a great dinner at the Pink Pony, where our waitress was wonderful. After dinner we walked over to the lake to see the Mackinac Bridge lit up, it was beautiful.

Saturday we packed up our stuff before going shopping (in just about every store), of course bought fudge (our friend probably at like 5 lbs of fudge the entire trip). After lunch, and freezing, we caught the ferry, left the Island, and headed for home. It was a wonderful trip, even though we were worn out from all the walking. I already miss being there, it was so nice being on Mackinac Island, and I'm seriously considering moving there after college (and I'm not at all joking).

My Mom and I were able to relax a little in the car before coming home and having to deal with some problems Rion was having. We met Rion at the hospital emergency room, I hadn't seen him since he threatened my Mom in early April, and I wasn't ready to see him. I thought I would be ok seeing him, but it wasn't. I'm still not ready, and probably won't be for a while, we'll see.

Well that was my week, full of some work and some fun. Now I start my crazy summer.

One more sad thing...

So as many of my family and friends know, we have quite a few pets. We have: China (our 11-year-old Husky), Nanook, Bear, & Lucky (our 5-month-old boys), Tyger & Teddy (our 13-year-old biological brothers), Timmy, Sid Vicious, Maddy, Salem Precious (my very sweet baby), Smokey, Niglet, and Casper (aka Little Monster, Devil in Disguise, etc)

Ok, so now to the point...we've had Tyger & Teddy for 12 years now and sadly we don't think Tyger's going to make it much longer. We're praying and hoping, but what I hope is that he'll be able to pass on quickly and painlessly. I love every single one of my pets, but I don't want to see Tyger suffer. So hopefully his suffering will come to an end soon.

The other day I was upset about being let down by one of my best friends and thought to myself...

"What is it about me that attracts the hurt of not having a true best friend? It seems like no matter what, I'm left with the knowledge that my friends only need me when it seems good for them. I know people get busy and they have their own lives, but true best friends make time, and it seems like it’s just not in the cards for me. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one that makes time for my friends. These are the same friends that call me cause they need to talk, but never call me any other time. I automatically try to find the good in people, but only a percentage actually turn out good. Is it this trust why I get hurt so often? If not, then why do I get hurt so much? I've come to the conclusion that it’s easier to stay at home, thinking about how lonely I am & missing my best friends, rather than going out and getting hurt. My loneliness is bringing me the edge of insanity and I don't know what to do to break the curse."

...And although I do still kind of feel this way, I need to remember, even if it's hard, that "it's better to give than to receive", "it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all", etc.

Hopefully everything will get better soon.

One semester down...

So I successfully completed my overloaded first semester of college. I know it doesn't seem like much to some, but 4 classes was one too many for me, but I passed with flying colors. I completed the semester with A's in English & Criminal Justice and B's in Math & Computers. I'm so happy with the outcome of the semester. In the last class for English, my teacher and I talked one on one, she quickly read through my final essay (on Polygamy's negative effect on the Mormon Church), and ended with saying it was beautifully written and that I'm a wonderful writer. I was so glad my paper turned out well. A week before, in English class, I did the oral presentation for my paper and it took me like 20 minutes. My classmates asked me so many questions about the Church, Temples, and our beliefs. I was extremely nervous answering all those questions, worrying whether they would understand what I was saying, or think I was crazy. I think it went well. My Computer class, on the other hand, had me worried the entire semester. The class was so hard, it was hard to understand what was being said, and it was really hard to successfully take the tests. But, to my surprise, I didn't fail the course (like I expected), no, I passed with a B- when I was more than willing to settle for a C-.

So school went well. Now I'm signed up for a summer class and I'm fitting it in with Michigan's Adventure. Another one of my crazy, workaholic summers is on the way, but until then, I'll enjoy the little bit of break I have, sleeping as much as I can, as well as sitting around, doing nothing.

Good Choices

As most of you know, we've been having problems with my brother again. Last week was rough because my Mom was spending almost all of her time on Rion and it was driving me crazy. It really irritates me sometimes that Rion can seriously hurt the family, but a couple weeks later my Mom will act like nothing happened, and not letting him really take the blame for what he did. For instance, he'll ask for money and she'll just hand it over, like we have all the money in the world to give to my delinquent, irresponsible brother. But I didn't really want to come on and start complaining as usual. What I wanted to say was...

For the first time I think my brother might do something responsible and good for him. He has the chance to go to a college-type housing in Kalamazoo for people with problems and mental disabilities. It's free and includes, housing, food, college classes, etc. I was talking to my Mom the other day about how Rion should do it, but probably won't because he doesn't want to take responsibility for his life. But to my surprise he's probably going to do it. Right now Rion's dating this girl he met at the halfway house he was staying in, they got to know each other and they've become attached to each other. They've decided that if they're still together in the fall, they'll probably get married. My hope is that they will help each other become better, that they'll go to that place in Kalamazoo together, and they'll both change for the better. I haven't seen Rion since what happened but I wrote him a letter saying that I can't see him for a while, but he'll ALWAYS be my little brother, and I'll ALWAYS love him. I also wrote that I really think he should go to the place in Kalamazoo and that I wish him the best. Hopefully it made an impact on him and he'll truly decide to take charge of his life and make a difference. Someday, when I'm feeling better, I'll be able to see him again, but until then I wish him the best of luck.

Trying to remember good thoughts...

So I'm trying to remember good thoughts but its hard sometimes. The best way for me to do it is to refer back to music again...every time I'm down in the dumps, depending how far down, I can always turn to some of my favorite songs. So here it goes, more lines from some of my favorite songs, except these make me feel better...

From Wicked's "Defying Gravity"
"Something has changed within me, Something is not the same, I'm through with playing by, The rules of someone else's game, Too late for second-guessing, Too late to go back to sleep, It's time to trust my instincts, Close my eyes, And leap...It's time to try defying gravity, I think I'll try defying gravity, And you can't pull me down...I'm through accepting limits, Cuz someone says they're so, Some things I cannot change, But till I try I'll never know, Too long I've been afraid of, Losing love I guess I've lost, Well if that's love, It comes at much too high a cost, I'd sooner buy defying gravity, Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity, And you can't pull me down!...So if you care to find me, Look to the Western sky!, As someone told me lately, Everyone deserves the chance to fly, And if I'm flying solo, At least I'm flying free, To those who ground me, Take a message back from me!, Tell them how I am defying gravity, I'm flying high, defying gravity, And soon I'll match them in renown, And nobody in all of Oz, No Wizard that there is or was, Is ever gonna bring me down!!"

"If You're Going Through Hell" by Rodney Atkins

Well you know those times
When you feel like there's a sign there on your back
Say's I don't mind if ya kick me
Seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You'd think they can't get worse than that
And then they do
You still walk the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Use the needle of your compass
To sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie
In a bottle of Jim Beam
And she lies to You
That's when you learn the truth
If you're going through hell
Keep on going, Don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
Well I been deep down in that darkness
I been down to my last match
Felt a hundered different demons
Breathing fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled
I'd fall right into the trap that they were laying, Yeah
But the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back upon your feet
The one's that you been dragging for so long
You're on your knees
You might as well be free
Guess what I'm saying
If you're going through hell
Keep on going, Don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, Face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
If you're going through hell
Keep on going, Don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, Face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
Yeah you might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
Yeah.

Loneliness in Excess

Life has been so crazy lately that I feel lonely in crowded room...I can be surrounded by people but I still feel all alone. It's such a sad, depressing feeling for me. This is definitely not the worst I've ever felt about life, but I still feel slightly dead inside. I'm so busy that I can't spend time with friends that make me happy and the friends that I want to spend the most time with are so busy that they don't have time to spend with me...its like a vicious, lonely cycle. The good news is that, in the last couple years, I haven't been depressed to the point of causing myself pain and I don't ever want to feel that way again. The one thing I can always rely on during times like this, is playing music where the lyrics say exactly how I feel, I turn the music up, sit in my room with candles lit, and relax until I feel a little better. And now that its warmer outside again, I have my other fall back I can count on, and that is to wait til about midnight when its dark and cool, put on my headphones, turn on that same music, and walk a couple miles, just me and my dog China, in our own little, but wide open, world. I wish I could do that right now, but sadly the rain has put a damper on my stress reliever.

So I guess I'll stick with "Plan A" and play that sad, lonely music that ironically makes me feel better...I just wish I had someone to talk to...


"...I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut, My weakness is that I care too much, And my scars remind me that the past is real, I tear my heart open just to feel..." (Scars by Papa Roach)

"...I'm not dead, just floating. Underneath the ink of my tattoo, I've tried to hide the scars from you...I'm not dead, just floating. I'm not scared, just changing. You're my crack of sunlight..." (I'm Not Dead by Pink)

1 is the loneliest number...

I'm surrounded by a small circle of close friends. Some live close by, while others live farther away, and no matter how close my friends are living, I still feel lonely. We do hang out occasionally and have a lot of fun, but once that time is up, I fall back into feeling all alone. For instance, I went out with a couple of my best friends Friday night, and by today I feel like I haven't seen them in forever. These are friends that I got used to seeing almost every day of the week, one I even lived with, so a few weeks of not seeing them does seem like forever. A few other friends I got used to seeing every day, I haven't seen in months, again one I lived with. I have another friend that comes home from Mexico every few months, but I haven't seen him in almost a year. And another friend lives in Mexico full time and I haven't seen her in almost 3 years. Its so sad and depressing. Whats even more upsetting is I don't really have anyone to talk to about this stuff. I'm wondering if some people will ever talk to me again after something I said (wrote) a couple weeks ago.

Will this stuff ever change? Or will I forever feel apart from the rest of the world, lost and all alone in this life? I hope things change. I hope that I can forgive and be forgiven for things I say and do. I hope that someday when I'm pondering over my life as a whole, I can look back and say that I really wasn't alone in this life, that I had people all around me, that my life was meaningful, and that I brought meaning to the life of someone I love. I hope that I can make lemonade with the lemons life may give me. I hope that I can feel in my heart and soul, all the love that people brought to me and that I brought to them. I hope that I can feel and I'll try to remember:

I AM A DAUGHTER, A SISTER, A GRAND-DAUGHTER, A NIECE, A COUSIN, AND A FRIEND. I AM A PARTNER, A STUDENT, A YOUNG GIRL, AND A GROWN WOMAN. I AM CONFIDENT AND SCARED, TERRIFIED AND EXCITED. I AM LOVING, CARING, THOUGHTFUL, AND HOPEFUL. I AM SICK AND TIRED. I AM SHY AND FRIENDLY, CAREFUL AND CARELESS. I AM BROKEN AND WHOLE. I AM MISUNDERSTOOD, MISGUIDED, AND MISLEAD. I AM HARD WORKING AND DETERMINED, BUT A LITTLE SCARED ON THE INSIDE. I WISH ON STARS AND DREAM MY DREAMS. I PRAY TO GOD AND CRY MY TEARS. I SMILE ON THE OUTSIDE, WHILE I AM DYING ON THE INSIDE. I LISTEN TO OTHERS WHO WON’T LISTEN TO ME. I WALK ON EGGSHELLS, AND I WALK ON FIRE. I BELIEVE IN PASSION, BUT NOT TRUE LOVE. I LOVE YOU AND I PUSH YOU AWAY. I WANT YOU BUT NOT SO CLOSE. I AM EVERYTHING AND NOTHING ALL AT ONCE. AND ALL I WANT IS FOR YOU TO
LOVE ME.

Feeling bad...

So I want to apologize for my very large, grumpy post a couple days ago. I feel bad that I took my anger out like that. I'm not saying that I don't really feel like some of the things I wrote, but I do regret posting it here. Its just been a tough week and the computer was the closest thing to me at the time I wanted to vent. Not only has it been a tough week because of what is going on with my brother, but also because of it being the last few weeks of school for the semester, my sisters being on spring break driving me nuts, and all the stress from the remodel in the basement. If you know me, you might know that I keep a lot of stress and frustration bottled up. So I need to find someone talk to instead of taking out my frustration on my computer keyboard. Well, I need to get back to writing my final paper.

So to anyone I offended, I am truly sorry.

Oh and to Leann and Holly, thank you for seeing past my tattoos and the mistakes I've made. I really appreciate that I can count on the two of you to see the real me. Thank you. Love ya's.

oh yesterday...what a bad day

So yesterday almost started like any other day, except Rion moved back in over a week ago, and instead I awoke to screaming...

Most people that know my family know that my brother Rion is Bipolar, has ADHD, and some other personality disorders. Since he moved back in, everyone has been on edge and walking on eggshells. My parents have been working on remodeling the rest of the basement into a new bedroom for them and so everyone is helping in some way to get it all done. When Rion moved back in he was told he had to join the effort, but as I knew it would happen, he decided that he wanted to continue to be lazy. After several days of arguing with him about it, my Dad (still in serious pain since his fall) finally gave in and set that if Rion is just going to be lazy, he can find somewhere else to do it. A big fight broke out and ended in my brother trying to steal my Mom's cell phone and threatening my parents with a knife. Of course, as I have every time this happens, I called 911 and spoke with emergency about the situation. And all this happened before noon. My brother was arrested and charged with felonious assault and domestice violence, and is not allowed to come home or contact us until the courts' say so. So we'll see where it goes from here.

Now, sadly, my Mom feels like she's floating in the middle of the ocean, unable to contact anyone for help. She is also fearful that she will again be personally blamed for all the problems my brother has. She is sad and lonely because the family (who scolds her for not going to church, a church where Family is taught to be key) barely ever contact us, come visit us, or invite us to go visit them. How can they scold my Mother and family for not attending church? We know we should and we've planned on it, but sometimes life becomes stressful and discouraging, and we are swerved off the path that Heavenly Father wants us on, but that doesn't mean we don't believe in the Gospel and the principles that God has given us to live by. I know that going to church is about keeping the Sabbath and following God's plan, but it's hard for me to want to get up and go to church every Sunday when I go pick up my sisters on Wednesdays and few people will talk to me, if even look at me. I know why, its because I'm not active, because I have fallen from grace, and because I have tattoos. But people must remember not to judge a book by its cover. What matters is the person's heart and soul, not what they look like. We all make mistakes and have weaknesses, and I know that Satan preys on that, but I have come to notice that for me personally, I am more vulnerable when I don't have people close. Its hard for me to walk into the church building with the knowledge that the people I have come to know, some that I regard as friends, judge me for not going to church and for having tattoos. How can they do that? Aren't Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ the only two that should judge anyone? And if Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ can forgive me, why can't the people that know who I really am, the people that go to church actively, who pray to Heavenly Father for forgiveness, forgive a good person with weaknesses and small failures? How can they teach they're children about forgiveness, when they can't even practice it? I'M NOT A DIFFERENT PERSON, I'M NOT PERFECT, I BELIEVE IN GOD AND THE CHURCH THAT HE HAD CREATED FOR US, I HAVE MADE MISTAKES AND HAVE ASKED GOD FOR FORGIVENESS FOR THEM, BUT I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO ASK THE EVERYDAY PEOPLE THAT I LOVE.

I'm sorry to anyone I offend because of this...but I need to vent somehow and I sometimes feel like I have nobody to talk to. I'm only writing how I truly feel.

Proud to be a Spartans Fan

So Michigan State had a great Basketball season. We were disappointed that they lost the Championship, but are still very proud that they got as far as they did. There's alway next season. Great season guys!

I have several friends that are University of Michigan fans. I've come to notice that most of them can't be happy for MSU when they get as far as they do. Like my family are big time Michigan State fans, but are happy for Michigan when they win (as long as its not against MSU). The Spartans had a great season, we dominated most of the teams we played, and came close to winning the 2009 NCAA Championship, but my friends that are Michigan friends still say MSU stinks, aren't good at anything, I even had one friend that seriously asked if we counted basketball as a sport. Its so irritating that they can't get over themselves and be happy for us for once. Funny thing is, the friend that asked if basketball was a sport, is from Chicago and started liking Michigan when he was a kid because the football helmets were cooler than all the other teams. Whatever. That's too bad for them.

So what I'll say is, "Good luck Michigan". But of course, I still love MSU!

GO SPARTANS!!! GO GREEN!!! GO WHITE!!!

Life...

So life has been pretty good lately, but a new chain events has caused my life to go back to being stressful and unfair. Rion is a pain in the butt and continues to screw up his own life. But it can't just be left at "he screws up his own life". No...he has to make mine stressful and unfair as well. He majorly screwed up again by selling his ADHD meds for marijuana & other illegal substances, let too many bad people into his apartment, got a death threat, and now has to bring it all back to my house. HE HAD TO MOVE BACK IN!!! Its just not fair! I help with bills constantly and he moves back in and probably thinks he can get away with not getting a job. IT'S RIDICULOUS!!! How is that fair?! I'm tired of being the good one. I'm tired of helping with bills all the time. I want to have some freedom. Now its back to locked doors and constant stress. I was happy. Don't get my wrong...I love my brother...but that doesn't mean I have to like him. Oh and great idea! He gets a death threat so you move him back home, where those people somehow are always able to find. What about us? I don't want him to get killed by some lowlife felon that can't get his act together, but who's to say he doesn't find out where we live and come hurt more than just Rion. I know my Mom has to think about all this stuff and that she is extremely stressed about everything, but come on...if we just keep enabling him he's never going to learn. Somehow I have the feeling that Rion is going to be a stoned, unemployed loser for the rest of his life and he's going to make the rest of my family's lives miserable. All I can say is that I'm done...I'm tired of having to help all the time while my brother sits on his butt playing video games, smoking pot, and eating everything in sight. I'm tired of lending my Mom $20 here and her lending Rion $10 there. To top it all off he asked her for minutes for his cell phone...and he doesn't even realize that the bill for my Dad's phone, that he's been texting on all evening, is in MY name and is paid BY ME almost every month. He doesn't realize that the TV he'll be sitting in front of constantly instead of looking for a job, is in MY name, and that the cable providing his entertainment is in MY name and paid for BY ME almost completely every month. I don't think he realizes, or cares, how much I have to help. Not that I'm trying to make myself look great or anything, because I'm not, but I would just like my brother to realize it. I want him to walk a mile in my shoes and learn to treat me with more respect. IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!!

Not much is new...

Well we got everything moved into my new bedroom and I got everything pretty much settled. Most of my pictures are up, I got a new comforter, all my bookshelves are put together, and my couch is in the room. Now I'm just waiting for my new 600 thread count sheets and my new curtains...and I also want to buy a shag rug for my bedroom too. I also got my car into the shop for a check-up and I need to order new glasses. School is going good...I got 100% on my 3rd essay and now I have to find a topic for my final essay. Math and Computers are okay, and Criminal Justice is good.

And that's about it.

Missing friends...

I have to say that no matter how much I complained about working at Double JJ (all the long hours, the chlorine, my boss, etc.), I really do miss it. Mostly because I miss all my friends. Sad to say that working there was a guarantee that I would see most of my closest friends and now that DJJ is closed, I hardly ever see my friends. 2 of the friends I'm talking about, I lived with for 3 months, and another lived on the DJJ property. Of course I had all these other co-workers that became my Double JJ family, employees from the waterpark, the office upstairs, the coffee shop, the main office, etc. I really, really miss my friends from Double JJ. And I also really, really miss my friends that live in Mexico. It seems that everyone is so far away. Sometimes I wish everything would go back to the way it was before. And since I know that they can't, I hope that I can atleast see all my friends more often.

Back to work...

Although I needed my spring break last week and it was nice to have the little bit of fun and relaxation, I am definitely glad to be back to school. We almost got my room completely finished last night, just have to touch up paint, move my couch in, put up one more book shelf, and get settled in. Poor Salem and the other cats are all confused, Salem wanted to boycott the move, but he was unsuccessful. And now that the boycott is over, he's refusing to come out of the new bedroom...my poor little boy. So hopefully all the stress will go away for him and I, then we'll be able to enjoy the larger room. Now that I'm back to school, I already have another essay due next Monday and a possible pop quiz tomorrow morning in Computers. Then on Thursday night, in Criminal Justice, we're watching a Live Autopsy and looking at crime scene pictures. Hopefully the week goes well.

Movers & Shakers

It seems like my family can't go very long without moving...

...don't worry, this time we are not moving to a different house, city, or state. My parents have been planning on building a new master bedroom and they just bought 46 sheets of drywall...its crazy. Today my Mom worked on getting stuff in their bedroom packed and moved out while I did the same in my bedroom. Lucky for me, because they are getting a new bedroom, I get to move into a their old one, a much bigger bedroom than I have now. So after a long days work, our next step is to paint my new bedroom and move my stuff in...that will take most of today.

Other than that, not much is new at our house. I'm a little surprised I don't have more to talk about. Oh well...more updates will be coming soon.

School Update

School is going great...

I'm so excited because I got a 98% on my Math test this week...and I'm excited because in high school I always passed Math with a "C" (and I got a "C" instead of a lower grade because I would always do the extra credit he gave us)...both Math & Science are definitely not my subjects. I think that a 98% is probably the best grade I got on a Math test in all of high school (if not junior high as well). I also got a 98% on my Recommendation Essay for English on the Death Penalty. That must be my lucky number this week. Its also exciting because my test grades in Math have gone up on all three tests. The downside is my grade in my Computer Information class isn't the best...but at this rate hopefully it will get better.

I think that just about sums up the start of my week. I'll let you know how the rest of the week goes.

Confused...

I don't know whether I'm happy or irritated...

I'm happy because for the first time in 4 years I'm dating someone, we get along great, and have so much in common. I'm happy because I got my tax return back and was able to buy myself something nice for the first time in a long time...

The last time I, as in me specifically, got a new TV was a 13 inch that I got at the end of 8th grade. So since I think that I worked hard the last few years and deserve it, I upgraded to a 32 inch. There's other reasons I've been happy too...like school is good, I'm healthy, etc.

Even though I'm happy there are things that are irritating me too...like that I'm 20 years old but I can't be in charge of my own money. I know that I shouldn't be greedy...and I'm not being that way...its just irritating that I'm going to school while my Dad sits at home watching TV all day and my unemployment goes into "the family finances pool" because my Dad won't look for jobs. He did get a job for like a week but it was all commission and they expected him to put out all this money even before he got a paycheck. I could keep going on and on but it would just be boring and I would look like a stuck up brat. But I'm not...I just wish I didn't have to grow up so fast...I've had to help the family out with money since I was 15 and its not fair...I'm just getting tired of it.

So again...I don't know whether to be happy or irritated. Hopefully someday everything will get better...and hopefully that will be soon. Til then I'll just be a big bundle of irritated fun, but I'll try to keep a smile on my face.

I'm thankful for Family...

I've been complaining a little bit lately about my family and how they're kind of getting my nerves. I have to say honestly though that I've been regretting my impatience with them. I would like to send a thank you to my parents for always being there for us kids. I would also like to give a huge thank you to my Mom for teaching us kids the meaning of family. Its very important to her to be close to her family, even if they don't talk every day or even every month, she is still close to them. Because of this, family is the most important thing to me and when I say that I don't just mean my parents & siblings, I mean my extended family too. That includes my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, etc. The other night, I was on the computer late and found that my second cousin was online. We grew up together and now she lives in Arizona, but it was really nice being able to sit there and talk with her for a while. I was also looking at pictures recently. I scanned some old pictures of my immediate family & I onto the computer & put them on Facebook and I also saved some pictures of extended family members that they have posted onto their Facebook. All of this reminded me that no matter what happens or how much my family irritates me, they are still my family and they mean the world to me. I'm glad that I look forward to family reunions, instead of dreading them like some people may. And its nice that my Mom's family is close. Sadly I can't say the same for my Dad's family. Yes he loves his family, we all do, but we're not as close to his side of the family like we are my Mom's. I I live closer to almost all of my cousins on Dad's side, but I don't have a relationship with them and its sad. We also aren't really close to his sisters and it would be killing my Grandma Hanes if she were still alive. Its odd that we aren't close to my Dad's side, but it seems like we run into family members all the time. I wish I could say that both sides of my family were equally close, but I can't. Hopefully someday that will change, but until then I can hold onto the knowledge that I have so many family members I'm close to on my Mom's side. Thank you so much Mom for giving me that.

Not much is new...

...but here's something. I'm still doing well, Mom is stressed as usual having to work a full time job, deal with my brother and sisters, and keep all the bills paid, Dad has a job interview today (finally...I'm so tired of him being home so much), Amanda is doing well in school (I'm not surprised...but I am tired of German questions all the time), and Kristina is also doing well in school, both of the girls have some serious attitudes though.

For me...school is doing well, to my surprise I got an A- on my Math test, I also got 99% out of 100 on my first English essay and my teacher loved it (I did it on Fibromyalgia...if anyone wants information please let me know), my Criminal Justice class is good so far, and I'm not too sure what to think about my Computer class.

The pets are all good...its Salem's time of the month though, there's always one week of every month that Salem just wants to spend all day everyday in my bedroom alone, he likes the time away from the other cats and would like it a whole lot better if I could spend more time in there with him...

All the other cats are good...Teddy is a grumpy old man, Tyger just sleeps all the time (and I think he's senile...CJ is mean to him all the time...and when Salem went to snuggle him he smacked Salem because CJ looks like Salem...I felt so bad for Salem), Timmy is a loud mouth, Sid Vicious is a sweetheart (the silent, strong type), Maddy keeps getting on the kitchen counters and is causing problems, CJ has a really bad attitude right now (he needs his claws and boy parts removed), Smokey is an adorable midget cat (he also reminds us of Benjamin Button...he looks like a little old man getting younger as he gets older), and Kasper is an adorable little monster.

China is doing good...she's not too happy about the puppies but eventually she'll get over it. I feel so bad for her though because she's outside almost all the time, she's getting old, and she sucks on her bad paw all the time so you can tell it hurts her and it looks really bad.

The puppies great...they're getting so big so quick...Nanook wants attention all the time and if one of his brothers is getting attention he whines because he's jealous, Bear is a huge sweetheart, if you yell at him for doing something bad he'll follow you around to make sure you're not mad at him, and he looks sad almost all the time, and Lucky (or Mr. Piddles) is so funny because he's half the size of his brothers but acts likes he's the biggest and baddest of the bunch.

So that's about it on the home front...

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

I feel like I'm going one step forward and two steps back. I'm definitely happy, but it seems like if something good happens to me, something bad or irritating has to happen too. For example...I'm getting a decent tax return back and I was telling my Mom what I was going to do with it, and as if I don't do enough for them already, she does her little hint dropping thing and says, "well if your Dad & I had the money, we would buy drywall to finish our room, and then you could move into our old room." Its like, "come on Mom, your little 'hints' are more irritating then coming right out and saying 'can we have money', plus I already have a bunch of stuff on my credit for you and you include my unemployment in your income to pay bills, why can't I enjoy this money for me." It seems like I can't have any fun with my money...all I do is pay bills. Then yesterday Mom, Chris, & I were talking about our road trip, how much it would cost each of us, and can Chris afford it, and Mom has the nerve to say, "well it depends on how much Randa spends on the trip." AHHHHH!!!!! I would spend more on the trip if you weren't asking me for money for everything else!!! This is why I HATE being an adult. Plus to add to all of it my Dad is ok treating me like an adult when they want something from me, but when they don't he treats me like I'm 10 and don't know anything. He was being a real jerk to me last night. If I were mean I would call and have his phone, the TV, and internet OFF and I would take the big screen TV into my room...its all in my name anyways. And my Mom and I were talking about my taxes and I asked if I was eligible for the property tax credit because I pay rent, she said yes and my Dad said, "well then pay rent." Then he said he was just kidding. I don't think he was just kidding and he doesn't realize that it really hurts that he says stuff like that. If you've ever watched "That 70's Show" you know the Dad on there is Red Forman...that is my Dad. I also wish he would get a job already, I'm SO tired of him being home all the time. He's being a grumpy old jerk but I can't tell him that because he'll go to his room and pout or he'll tell me "if you don't like it then move out."

I just need to say "NO!" to my parents more often. But I think no matter what, I'm going to be taking one step forward and two steps back.

Sneakin around...

If you've ever seen one of my favorite movies, titled "Best Little Whorehouse in Texas", then you've heard the song that goes: "I like fancy frilly things, high heeled shoes and diamond rings, ragtime bands and western swing, and sneakin' around with you...well I like beer and rodeos, detective books and dominoes, football games and cheerios, and sneakin' around with you...sneakin' around with you, going a round or two, doing what lovers do, whenever they're sneakin' around...". And although I don't have that lifestyle (everything italicized), it popped into my head after what my mom told me earlier about my guy friend. He was talking to my mom about how I should go over to his house to do movie night, but was worried about what people at his apartment complex would think (he lives at the apartment complex my mom manage's). She was telling him that it doesn't matter what anybody thinks because we're adults and we can do whatever we want. And its funny that of all the things I could be thinking, that song is still stuck in my head.

Well anyways...everything is going good here. School is going well, I love hanging out with Chris, my family is good (even though my Dad and sisters are kinda getting on my nerves), the puppies - Nanook, Bear, and Lucky (or Mr. Piddles as we like to call him) - are doing good...little monsters...we came up with a new breed of dog - its called a "Tazmanian Chihuahua"...

My parents, Chris, and I are planning a road trip in May. We'll go visit my grandparents and my mom's sisters in the Nauvoo area, then we'll do a quick tour of St. Louis, next is couple days in Texas visiting some friends, and last onto Memphis & Nashville to see Graceland (a dream come true for me) and the capital of Country Music. Nine days of beautiful scenery, fun filled days of tourism, and visiting friends and family. Oh I can't wait.

Other than that its just nice to be happy...happy to be me, happy to be hanging out with a great guy that I have a lot in common with, happy to be doing something worth while...just happy. I haven't felt this way in a long time.

Saying goodbye

As I've shared, my family had 17 puppies to take care of for a month and a half...as much "fun" as that was and no matter how cute they are...I am very happy that all but three have found new homes. I put an add in the freebies of the Muskegon Chronicle for this last Saturday and my first phone call Saturday was at 7:00 in the morning...it was insane. From then on for the rest of the day I was answering the phone nonstop...I stopped answering phone calls at 8:00 that night. At 7:30am, the first puppy was gone (sadly it was one of the ones I wanted to keep...poor Indiana). My Mom and sister Amanda gave baths to about 10 puppies in the first 2 hours of being up...and Amanda spent most of the day bathing the rest of the puppies, while Kristina puppysat downstairs. As for me...I was on phone & adoption duty ALL day. I was constantly running up & down the stairs, showing & giving people puppies, answering the phone, and trying to walk without my 3 puppies tripping me. By about 3:00pm there was only a few puppies & 2 momma dogs left. The momma dogs went shortly after that (to my surprise) and I was starting a "waiting list" for the few puppies I had left. At about 5:00 I started telling people I was out of puppies, but the last 2 puppies were taken at about 6:00 and 7:00. The last puppy was a beautiful girl that was mostly black and had bluish gray eyes. I spent some special time hugging her to say goodbye while I waited for the very happy woman coming to get her. It was a bittersweet moment, as I was both happy and sad that this adventurous chapter in my family's life came to a close...and as I think about it now it brings a tear (or two) to my eyes. Its like when parents watch their children take their first steps or say their first words. Its kind of hard saying goodbye to all your kids...when it seems like just yesterday you were saying hello for the first time or when they first opened their eyes. Although one and a half months isn't nearly as long as a year or more, it still seems like time has gone to fast and they don't need you anymore. I hope with all my heart, that every person I gave a puppy to, makes a good family and home for that puppy. No matter how stinky they were, how much food they ate, or how noisy they were...they were my kids and I'll definitely miss all of them, but now I must give my time to my 3 puppies and the rest of my pets. Everytime I look at Bear, Nanook, and Lucky, I'll think of their moms, 14 brothers and sisters, and how I did enjoy the small amount of time I shared with them.

Comfort and joy...

I met this guy a couple months ago and I've been hanging out with him for a few weeks now. He's a really nice, funny guy. He gets along great with my parents and my sisters don't completely drive him insane...like they do me. He's not one of those people that likes to go out to a club or bar to hang out, he prefers to stay home and watch movies...which is definitely not a problem for me because I'm the same way. We like quite a few of the same movies, we're both into computers, and we can stay up late talking and not bore eachother. He was playing some of the music from his flash drive on my computer and I have a lot of the same songs on my phone. I won't go into any more little details...I'll just say again that we have a lot in common. We've hung out every Wednesday and Saturday since we started hanging out the beginning of this month. We also went out to eat this Friday and went to a movie yesterday. We've already talked about hanging out during the summer and what else we should do for fun. Its just nice to be comfortable and happy hanging out with a guy...and its nice that I don't need to go out of my way to impress him. I have been happy for a while now...but I haven't been happy like this in a long time and I'm not going to take it for granted.

Puppies...again

Here are all 17 puppies together...they're so cute.

Puppies

Well, it's been a fun couple of months with 17 puppies in the house, but they're finally ready to go to new homes. As cute as they are and as much as I'm going to miss all the playful little attitude filled puppies...I'm ready to take back my house from the dog pens and the stinky smell. But of course my family is crazy cuz we're keeping 4 out of 17 puppies...they're cute though so I'll deal with it. So if you or anyone you know wants a puppy...they are ready to go this weekend. Please let me know. Here are some pictures to attempt convincing you...


Litter 1: Doberman, Lab, Husky, German Shepard Mix


Litter 2: Beagle, Husky, German Shepard, Lab Mix.

Again please let me know if you or anyone you know wants a puppy. Thanks.

First Days Done...

The first two days of school are done and I was nervous for nothing. I'm actually extremely surprised that I missed it...I really missed going to school. All my teachers are cool, I'm really excited about my Criminal Justice class, but I am a little worried about getting my Math homework done on time...as long as I do it ahead of time I think I'll be fine...so I'll try my best to keep ahead. I've got mixed emotions about my English class because its just an essay writing class and I enjoy writing poetry more than writing essays, but I'm going to keep an open mind. And my computer class sounds cool too. Hopefully I'll do well in all my classes...

New Year...New Beginnings

So 2009 is starting out on a mostly positive note (and my New Year's resolutions are to stay positive, be more self confident, and remember that no matter what other people may think, all that matters is God loves me and I love me), so here are some positive things happening this year...
I'm starting school at Muskegon Community College today (going into Criminal Justice), I hung out with a new (really nice) guy the other night and I'm hoping maybe something more will start up (not that I'm rushing anything), I only have about 8 months left to pay on my car (a huge burden off my shoulders), I'm hoping to go back to Mexico in May (after over 2 years), and although its kind of sad...12 (out of 17) puppies and 2 mom dogs will be ready to find new homes in less than month.
Here are some more New Year's resolutions...
Go back to church, lose some weight, become more healthy, try not to get so irritated with my siblings, pay off some bills (the ball and chains of my life), not give into every little thing my parents ask for, read a lot of books, and I'm sure there is more but I can't think of anything right now.

So here's to a NEW 2009...a new year, a new me, a new beginning...a better life.