New...

Ok, so whats new here...

Got my tax return and since I can't spoil myself the rest of the year, I did my annual spoiling and bought some toys. I got an XBox 360, IPod, etc. I also bought a ticket to Texas for June and I CAN'T WAIT.

My Mom and I have been working with some friends on getting Steven Van Kammen's Benefit dinner together. I'm happy to say that things are starting to work to our advantage. Good news...Coca Cola and 7UP donated pop for the dinner, Frito Lay is probably going to be donating chips, we've already got an anonymous donation for Steven, and people are working very hard on more details. Thank you to everyone doing so.

Other than that, I'm trying to hold on to my crazy life with both hands. It isn't always easy...more of it isnt...but I'm working through it. Stuff like school, homework, jobs, family...I can deal with...now they just need a cure for Fibromyalgia and I'll be a much happier person.

Life...so lonely on this side of town

I can't believe I'm only a few weeks into the semester and I already have way too much homework. Its taking up all my time. I never see friends anymore. So far in 2010, I've hung out with a couple friends once each. Its depressing. I'm depressed. I get so tired of loneliness. Tired of pain, PMS, family troubles, grumpiness...should I continue. Right now, one of my biggest problems is that I don't have health insurance, and because of that, I can't take care of myself in the way I would like. I need counseling, someone to talk to, someone that's not bias to my situation. Someone that can tell me in no certain terms, that I take on too much. Too much school, too many bills, too much stress, anxiety, anguish, loneliness. Sometimes, its just all too much. I wish things were easier. Sometimes I wish I could just grab my stuff and run. Run away from my stress and anxiety. But for some reason, I hold myself back. Stop myself from freaking out once in a while. Stop myself from saying, "I've had ENOUGH!" Why is it so hard for me? Why can't I find someone to talk to that understands me? Understands that I just need someone to listen? I need to be able to cry on someone's shoulder every once in a while...right? Why do I always have to be the shoulder to cry on? Why can't I tell people how I feel? If I could, I would shout it from the rooftops. I would shout out that I just need someone to love and to love me back. I need compassion, love, hope, and happiness. I need someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me everything will be ok. Is that too much to ask? Is it too much to ask to be happy? Why do I bottle everything up for so long? At least right now, when I say I'm depressed, I can also say that tomorrow, I'll wake up, and put on my happy face. I can tell you that I'll put my smile on autopilot and I'll look happy, content. Will the next 40+ years of my life be a smile on autopilot? Or will I find happiness along the way? Right now I feel like I'm Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, but I'm stuck in that creepy little forest, the video is skipping, repeating the same scene over and over, and I'm waiting for someone to help fix it, someone to save me from the forest. When will happiness come?