Trying to remember good thoughts...

So I'm trying to remember good thoughts but its hard sometimes. The best way for me to do it is to refer back to music again...every time I'm down in the dumps, depending how far down, I can always turn to some of my favorite songs. So here it goes, more lines from some of my favorite songs, except these make me feel better...

From Wicked's "Defying Gravity"
"Something has changed within me, Something is not the same, I'm through with playing by, The rules of someone else's game, Too late for second-guessing, Too late to go back to sleep, It's time to trust my instincts, Close my eyes, And leap...It's time to try defying gravity, I think I'll try defying gravity, And you can't pull me down...I'm through accepting limits, Cuz someone says they're so, Some things I cannot change, But till I try I'll never know, Too long I've been afraid of, Losing love I guess I've lost, Well if that's love, It comes at much too high a cost, I'd sooner buy defying gravity, Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity, And you can't pull me down!...So if you care to find me, Look to the Western sky!, As someone told me lately, Everyone deserves the chance to fly, And if I'm flying solo, At least I'm flying free, To those who ground me, Take a message back from me!, Tell them how I am defying gravity, I'm flying high, defying gravity, And soon I'll match them in renown, And nobody in all of Oz, No Wizard that there is or was, Is ever gonna bring me down!!"

"If You're Going Through Hell" by Rodney Atkins

Well you know those times
When you feel like there's a sign there on your back
Say's I don't mind if ya kick me
Seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You'd think they can't get worse than that
And then they do
You still walk the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Use the needle of your compass
To sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie
In a bottle of Jim Beam
And she lies to You
That's when you learn the truth
If you're going through hell
Keep on going, Don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
Well I been deep down in that darkness
I been down to my last match
Felt a hundered different demons
Breathing fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled
I'd fall right into the trap that they were laying, Yeah
But the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back upon your feet
The one's that you been dragging for so long
You're on your knees
You might as well be free
Guess what I'm saying
If you're going through hell
Keep on going, Don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, Face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
If you're going through hell
Keep on going, Don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, Face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
Yeah you might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
Yeah.

Loneliness in Excess

Life has been so crazy lately that I feel lonely in crowded room...I can be surrounded by people but I still feel all alone. It's such a sad, depressing feeling for me. This is definitely not the worst I've ever felt about life, but I still feel slightly dead inside. I'm so busy that I can't spend time with friends that make me happy and the friends that I want to spend the most time with are so busy that they don't have time to spend with me...its like a vicious, lonely cycle. The good news is that, in the last couple years, I haven't been depressed to the point of causing myself pain and I don't ever want to feel that way again. The one thing I can always rely on during times like this, is playing music where the lyrics say exactly how I feel, I turn the music up, sit in my room with candles lit, and relax until I feel a little better. And now that its warmer outside again, I have my other fall back I can count on, and that is to wait til about midnight when its dark and cool, put on my headphones, turn on that same music, and walk a couple miles, just me and my dog China, in our own little, but wide open, world. I wish I could do that right now, but sadly the rain has put a damper on my stress reliever.

So I guess I'll stick with "Plan A" and play that sad, lonely music that ironically makes me feel better...I just wish I had someone to talk to...


"...I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut, My weakness is that I care too much, And my scars remind me that the past is real, I tear my heart open just to feel..." (Scars by Papa Roach)

"...I'm not dead, just floating. Underneath the ink of my tattoo, I've tried to hide the scars from you...I'm not dead, just floating. I'm not scared, just changing. You're my crack of sunlight..." (I'm Not Dead by Pink)

1 is the loneliest number...

I'm surrounded by a small circle of close friends. Some live close by, while others live farther away, and no matter how close my friends are living, I still feel lonely. We do hang out occasionally and have a lot of fun, but once that time is up, I fall back into feeling all alone. For instance, I went out with a couple of my best friends Friday night, and by today I feel like I haven't seen them in forever. These are friends that I got used to seeing almost every day of the week, one I even lived with, so a few weeks of not seeing them does seem like forever. A few other friends I got used to seeing every day, I haven't seen in months, again one I lived with. I have another friend that comes home from Mexico every few months, but I haven't seen him in almost a year. And another friend lives in Mexico full time and I haven't seen her in almost 3 years. Its so sad and depressing. Whats even more upsetting is I don't really have anyone to talk to about this stuff. I'm wondering if some people will ever talk to me again after something I said (wrote) a couple weeks ago.

Will this stuff ever change? Or will I forever feel apart from the rest of the world, lost and all alone in this life? I hope things change. I hope that I can forgive and be forgiven for things I say and do. I hope that someday when I'm pondering over my life as a whole, I can look back and say that I really wasn't alone in this life, that I had people all around me, that my life was meaningful, and that I brought meaning to the life of someone I love. I hope that I can make lemonade with the lemons life may give me. I hope that I can feel in my heart and soul, all the love that people brought to me and that I brought to them. I hope that I can feel and I'll try to remember:

I AM A DAUGHTER, A SISTER, A GRAND-DAUGHTER, A NIECE, A COUSIN, AND A FRIEND. I AM A PARTNER, A STUDENT, A YOUNG GIRL, AND A GROWN WOMAN. I AM CONFIDENT AND SCARED, TERRIFIED AND EXCITED. I AM LOVING, CARING, THOUGHTFUL, AND HOPEFUL. I AM SICK AND TIRED. I AM SHY AND FRIENDLY, CAREFUL AND CARELESS. I AM BROKEN AND WHOLE. I AM MISUNDERSTOOD, MISGUIDED, AND MISLEAD. I AM HARD WORKING AND DETERMINED, BUT A LITTLE SCARED ON THE INSIDE. I WISH ON STARS AND DREAM MY DREAMS. I PRAY TO GOD AND CRY MY TEARS. I SMILE ON THE OUTSIDE, WHILE I AM DYING ON THE INSIDE. I LISTEN TO OTHERS WHO WON’T LISTEN TO ME. I WALK ON EGGSHELLS, AND I WALK ON FIRE. I BELIEVE IN PASSION, BUT NOT TRUE LOVE. I LOVE YOU AND I PUSH YOU AWAY. I WANT YOU BUT NOT SO CLOSE. I AM EVERYTHING AND NOTHING ALL AT ONCE. AND ALL I WANT IS FOR YOU TO
LOVE ME.

Feeling bad...

So I want to apologize for my very large, grumpy post a couple days ago. I feel bad that I took my anger out like that. I'm not saying that I don't really feel like some of the things I wrote, but I do regret posting it here. Its just been a tough week and the computer was the closest thing to me at the time I wanted to vent. Not only has it been a tough week because of what is going on with my brother, but also because of it being the last few weeks of school for the semester, my sisters being on spring break driving me nuts, and all the stress from the remodel in the basement. If you know me, you might know that I keep a lot of stress and frustration bottled up. So I need to find someone talk to instead of taking out my frustration on my computer keyboard. Well, I need to get back to writing my final paper.

So to anyone I offended, I am truly sorry.

Oh and to Leann and Holly, thank you for seeing past my tattoos and the mistakes I've made. I really appreciate that I can count on the two of you to see the real me. Thank you. Love ya's.

oh yesterday...what a bad day

So yesterday almost started like any other day, except Rion moved back in over a week ago, and instead I awoke to screaming...

Most people that know my family know that my brother Rion is Bipolar, has ADHD, and some other personality disorders. Since he moved back in, everyone has been on edge and walking on eggshells. My parents have been working on remodeling the rest of the basement into a new bedroom for them and so everyone is helping in some way to get it all done. When Rion moved back in he was told he had to join the effort, but as I knew it would happen, he decided that he wanted to continue to be lazy. After several days of arguing with him about it, my Dad (still in serious pain since his fall) finally gave in and set that if Rion is just going to be lazy, he can find somewhere else to do it. A big fight broke out and ended in my brother trying to steal my Mom's cell phone and threatening my parents with a knife. Of course, as I have every time this happens, I called 911 and spoke with emergency about the situation. And all this happened before noon. My brother was arrested and charged with felonious assault and domestice violence, and is not allowed to come home or contact us until the courts' say so. So we'll see where it goes from here.

Now, sadly, my Mom feels like she's floating in the middle of the ocean, unable to contact anyone for help. She is also fearful that she will again be personally blamed for all the problems my brother has. She is sad and lonely because the family (who scolds her for not going to church, a church where Family is taught to be key) barely ever contact us, come visit us, or invite us to go visit them. How can they scold my Mother and family for not attending church? We know we should and we've planned on it, but sometimes life becomes stressful and discouraging, and we are swerved off the path that Heavenly Father wants us on, but that doesn't mean we don't believe in the Gospel and the principles that God has given us to live by. I know that going to church is about keeping the Sabbath and following God's plan, but it's hard for me to want to get up and go to church every Sunday when I go pick up my sisters on Wednesdays and few people will talk to me, if even look at me. I know why, its because I'm not active, because I have fallen from grace, and because I have tattoos. But people must remember not to judge a book by its cover. What matters is the person's heart and soul, not what they look like. We all make mistakes and have weaknesses, and I know that Satan preys on that, but I have come to notice that for me personally, I am more vulnerable when I don't have people close. Its hard for me to walk into the church building with the knowledge that the people I have come to know, some that I regard as friends, judge me for not going to church and for having tattoos. How can they do that? Aren't Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ the only two that should judge anyone? And if Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ can forgive me, why can't the people that know who I really am, the people that go to church actively, who pray to Heavenly Father for forgiveness, forgive a good person with weaknesses and small failures? How can they teach they're children about forgiveness, when they can't even practice it? I'M NOT A DIFFERENT PERSON, I'M NOT PERFECT, I BELIEVE IN GOD AND THE CHURCH THAT HE HAD CREATED FOR US, I HAVE MADE MISTAKES AND HAVE ASKED GOD FOR FORGIVENESS FOR THEM, BUT I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO ASK THE EVERYDAY PEOPLE THAT I LOVE.

I'm sorry to anyone I offend because of this...but I need to vent somehow and I sometimes feel like I have nobody to talk to. I'm only writing how I truly feel.

Proud to be a Spartans Fan

So Michigan State had a great Basketball season. We were disappointed that they lost the Championship, but are still very proud that they got as far as they did. There's alway next season. Great season guys!

I have several friends that are University of Michigan fans. I've come to notice that most of them can't be happy for MSU when they get as far as they do. Like my family are big time Michigan State fans, but are happy for Michigan when they win (as long as its not against MSU). The Spartans had a great season, we dominated most of the teams we played, and came close to winning the 2009 NCAA Championship, but my friends that are Michigan friends still say MSU stinks, aren't good at anything, I even had one friend that seriously asked if we counted basketball as a sport. Its so irritating that they can't get over themselves and be happy for us for once. Funny thing is, the friend that asked if basketball was a sport, is from Chicago and started liking Michigan when he was a kid because the football helmets were cooler than all the other teams. Whatever. That's too bad for them.

So what I'll say is, "Good luck Michigan". But of course, I still love MSU!

GO SPARTANS!!! GO GREEN!!! GO WHITE!!!

Life...

So life has been pretty good lately, but a new chain events has caused my life to go back to being stressful and unfair. Rion is a pain in the butt and continues to screw up his own life. But it can't just be left at "he screws up his own life". No...he has to make mine stressful and unfair as well. He majorly screwed up again by selling his ADHD meds for marijuana & other illegal substances, let too many bad people into his apartment, got a death threat, and now has to bring it all back to my house. HE HAD TO MOVE BACK IN!!! Its just not fair! I help with bills constantly and he moves back in and probably thinks he can get away with not getting a job. IT'S RIDICULOUS!!! How is that fair?! I'm tired of being the good one. I'm tired of helping with bills all the time. I want to have some freedom. Now its back to locked doors and constant stress. I was happy. Don't get my wrong...I love my brother...but that doesn't mean I have to like him. Oh and great idea! He gets a death threat so you move him back home, where those people somehow are always able to find. What about us? I don't want him to get killed by some lowlife felon that can't get his act together, but who's to say he doesn't find out where we live and come hurt more than just Rion. I know my Mom has to think about all this stuff and that she is extremely stressed about everything, but come on...if we just keep enabling him he's never going to learn. Somehow I have the feeling that Rion is going to be a stoned, unemployed loser for the rest of his life and he's going to make the rest of my family's lives miserable. All I can say is that I'm done...I'm tired of having to help all the time while my brother sits on his butt playing video games, smoking pot, and eating everything in sight. I'm tired of lending my Mom $20 here and her lending Rion $10 there. To top it all off he asked her for minutes for his cell phone...and he doesn't even realize that the bill for my Dad's phone, that he's been texting on all evening, is in MY name and is paid BY ME almost every month. He doesn't realize that the TV he'll be sitting in front of constantly instead of looking for a job, is in MY name, and that the cable providing his entertainment is in MY name and paid for BY ME almost completely every month. I don't think he realizes, or cares, how much I have to help. Not that I'm trying to make myself look great or anything, because I'm not, but I would just like my brother to realize it. I want him to walk a mile in my shoes and learn to treat me with more respect. IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!!