I'm surrounded by a small circle of close friends. Some live close by, while others live farther away, and no matter how close my friends are living, I still feel lonely. We do hang out occasionally and have a lot of fun, but once that time is up, I fall back into feeling all alone. For instance, I went out with a couple of my best friends Friday night, and by today I feel like I haven't seen them in forever. These are friends that I got used to seeing almost every day of the week, one I even lived with, so a few weeks of not seeing them does seem like forever. A few other friends I got used to seeing every day, I haven't seen in months, again one I lived with. I have another friend that comes home from Mexico every few months, but I haven't seen him in almost a year. And another friend lives in Mexico full time and I haven't seen her in almost 3 years. Its so sad and depressing. Whats even more upsetting is I don't really have anyone to talk to about this stuff. I'm wondering if some people will ever talk to me again after something I said (wrote) a couple weeks ago.
Will this stuff ever change? Or will I forever feel apart from the rest of the world, lost and all alone in this life? I hope things change. I hope that I can forgive and be forgiven for things I say and do. I hope that someday when I'm pondering over my life as a whole, I can look back and say that I really wasn't alone in this life, that I had people all around me, that my life was meaningful, and that I brought meaning to the life of someone I love. I hope that I can make lemonade with the lemons life may give me. I hope that I can feel in my heart and soul, all the love that people brought to me and that I brought to them. I hope that I can feel and I'll try to remember:
I AM A DAUGHTER, A SISTER, A GRAND-DAUGHTER, A NIECE, A COUSIN, AND A FRIEND. I AM A PARTNER, A STUDENT, A YOUNG GIRL, AND A GROWN WOMAN. I AM CONFIDENT AND SCARED, TERRIFIED AND EXCITED. I AM LOVING, CARING, THOUGHTFUL, AND HOPEFUL. I AM SICK AND TIRED. I AM SHY AND FRIENDLY, CAREFUL AND CARELESS. I AM BROKEN AND WHOLE. I AM MISUNDERSTOOD, MISGUIDED, AND MISLEAD. I AM HARD WORKING AND DETERMINED, BUT A LITTLE SCARED ON THE INSIDE. I WISH ON STARS AND DREAM MY DREAMS. I PRAY TO GOD AND CRY MY TEARS. I SMILE ON THE OUTSIDE, WHILE I AM DYING ON THE INSIDE. I LISTEN TO OTHERS WHO WON’T LISTEN TO ME. I WALK ON EGGSHELLS, AND I WALK ON FIRE. I BELIEVE IN PASSION, BUT NOT TRUE LOVE. I LOVE YOU AND I PUSH YOU AWAY. I WANT YOU BUT NOT SO CLOSE. I AM EVERYTHING AND NOTHING ALL AT ONCE. AND ALL I WANT IS FOR YOU TO
LOVE ME.
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